Lesson 12 (Sexual Intimacy)
Key Concept
Enjoy sex with your spouse as a gift from God!
The goal of this lesson is to help couples build a foundation upon which they can have healthy discussions regarding their sexual intimacy. While it would be encouraging if all their sexual intimacy issues could be surfaced during this lesson (and some might be), in reality this is often
an area of deep pain or neglect so the goal is simply to get them talking about it. The lesson does this by sharing God’s good design for sex and challenging any unhealthy views, then couples are given the opportunity to uncover and start addressing barriers that hinder their sexual intimacy.
The goal of this lesson is to help couples build a foundation upon which they can have healthy discussions regarding their sexual intimacy. While it would be encouraging if all their sexual intimacy issues could be surfaced during this lesson (and some might be), in reality this is often
an area of deep pain or neglect so the goal is simply to get them talking about it. The lesson does this by sharing God’s good design for sex and challenging any unhealthy views, then couples are given the opportunity to uncover and start addressing barriers that hinder their sexual intimacy.
Question Highlights
Because participants may be reluctant to freely share on this topic, especially in front of the opposite gender, the discussion time is often handled differently. There are a couple of ways that could help create a safe place:
- Split by gender for at least part of the time. While this is a best practice it is by no means required. By this time, you know your group well enough to know what is best. When groups split by gender, some will stay apart for the entire time while some will combine at the end for prayer requests, life updates, etc.
- If you choose to split for discussion and then come together at the end, it is normal for the two groups to wonder what the other group talked about. While they will certainly discuss on the drive home, it can be helpful if the leaders give a quick word of encouragement, i.e. “I was encouraged by what I saw with the guys. Everybody shared and I think you each have some very good next steps to take.”
- If you choose to split for discussion and then come together at the end, it is normal for the two groups to wonder what the other group talked about. While they will certainly discuss on the drive home, it can be helpful if the leaders give a quick word of encouragement, i.e. “I was encouraged by what I saw with the guys. Everybody shared and I think you each have some very good next steps to take.”
- Rather than focusing on answers to the individual questions, try a few open-ended questions to stir up the discussion:
- What conversations did you have this week? Refer to Action Item 1.
- How were you challenged on this topic?
- What did you identify in the Barriers to Sexual Intimacy section as something to focus on? Note: The list of barriers is very helpful because some participants will see for the first time that these things might affect physical intimacy.
- Q1: Do you tend to minimize or overemphasize the importance of sex? Explain.
- Q2: Which of these statements do you struggle with most: Sex is good; Your bodies are good; Sex is a gift to be enjoyed; Sex is an opportunity to glorify God? Why?
- Q3: Within the guidelines above, what sexual desires do you wish to discuss and explore with your spouse?
- Action Item 1: Ask your spouse how he or she feels about your sexual intimacy, your biggest barriers to intimacy, and how to begin to address those barriers. Write down a few thoughts.
- Action Item 2: Based upon what your spouse shared, write one step you can take to move toward sexual intimacy (don't be pressured or pressure your spouse to have intercourse this week).
Additional Questions
Opening/Warm-Up Questions
- “What surprised you most about this week’s content on God’s design for sexual intimacy?”
- “How has your perspective on this topic changed since you were first married?”
- “What conversations did you and your spouse have this week after reading the material?” (directly from Action Item 1)
- “Without sharing specifics, what emotions came up for you when working through the barriers section?”
- “How were you personally challenged by this lesson’s content?”
- “From the barriers list, what stood out as something that might be affecting intimacy in your marriage?”
- “What’s one small step you identified that could help improve connection with your spouse?” (relates to Action Item 2)
- “How does understanding sex as God’s gift change the way you approach this area of marriage?”
- “How do the other areas we’ve covered in Re|engage (humility, serving, pursuit, commitment) connect to sexual intimacy?”
- “What would you want other couples to know about navigating this area of marriage?”
- “What’s one way you’d like the group to pray for you regarding your marriage this week?” (allows for general or specific requests)
Reminders
- Some things to bear in mind as you facilitate this topic:
- While the topic can be awkward, don’t shy away from it. The group will take their cues from you. Lean in with confidence.
- Even though much of the discussion could be somber and tense, it is OK to laugh when something is funny!
- Encourage participants NOT to suffer from comparison. Just because some couples are in a healthy spot doesn't mean you should be at the same spot. Remind them that we are all on a journey navigating our past and seeking healing.
- Avoid pressing people to share. If someone is quiet, follow up afterwards.
- Be mindful about how much detail is shared, as graphic details may cause someone to stumble.
- Before coming to group, read Appendix A again in case abuse comes up.
- Reinforce the last paragraph of the lesson. It is critical for couples to understand that if they want a good sex life, all of marriage is foreplay. Are they pursuing their spouse regularly (Lesson 11)? Showing humility and serving their spouse (Lesson 4)? Praying together (Lesson 13)? Committed (Lesson 9)? If you want better sex, come prepared for next week’s lesson!
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